Not enough time.
Not enough energy.
Not enough money.
Just not enough.
And it's amazing how quickly that turns into "not good enough", which is where I'm sitting right now. Over the last three years I have become friends with so many amazing authors and given the honor to read their books, some even before they are published. Their accomplishments fill my world, their new releases, their awesome give-aways, their fabulous way with words (seriously, I hit the friend jack-pot when it comes to author friends, remind me to pimp them out more, k?)
I don't have a lot of time to write lately, just 30 minutes here or there, and it's hard. It's hard to be a writer who doesn't have time to write, hard to get the feel for a story when you can only devote 30-45 minutes to it and know there will be interruptions. And when a writer can't write, well, it messes with your mind. When I wrote regularly, I loved my writing, my books, my characters, but when you don't do it regularly, it's so easy for the doubts to creep in, for you to feel less than you know you are.
The "somewhat" sequel to Finding Keepers (the main characters are Alyssa and Caleb, but it is 15 years later, so not a true sequel) is making pretty good headway, but it's taking forever. F-o-r-e-v-e-r and I know if it feels that way to me, it must feel that way to everyone who read Finding Keepers and is awaiting the rest of the story. I promise you it will come, but I can't promise you when. All I can do is ask you to wait and be patient, and hopefully you'll stick by my side.
There's also that hard part of doubt, when it creeps into your personal life. When it starts to affect people other than yourself, or when you try desperately to keep it contained.
You see, my daughter starts preschool tomorrow. Tomorrow! My little 6.5 pound baby that I waited forever for (ok, 40 weeks and 3 days if you count the pregnancy, add a year to that if you count the time desperately hoping and wishing and facing disappointment before the pregnancy) is going to preschool, and it's hitting me harder than I thought.
Not the being away from her, because I went back to work full-time when she was 7 weeks old, but school, omg, school. She is so excited, so thrilled to be going to school, to have friends and teachers and be "at school".
And I am terrified. What if the other kids pick on her? What if she picks on them? What if she gets to school and hates it. What if she gets a teacher who takes all of her beautiful energy and enthusiasm and squashes it like a bug? What if she loves to write fantasy stories and draw pictures of unicorns and she gets a teacher who tells her fantasy is stupid and to stop living in a dream world?
I'm not over my own scars from school (obviously) so how on earth am I to keep her little light safe while she navigates it's many ups and downs?
I don't have an answer (nor do I expect anyone out there to have an answer), so all I can do is tell that little doubt voice to shush, and trust. Trust that the ups will outshine the downs, that she will cross paths with the people she needs to grow, and that I really am "enough".
(and hope that school sufficiently wears her out so that she'll go to bed early enough for me to get some writing in!)